Single Minded

Out of a whim, I updated my Facebook status and wrote -"Single and not looking." With a follow up statement which says "I'm single. Not desperate.” I just thought kasi that it has been a while since I actually referred to or talked about my singlehood. And if you're one of those people closest to me, you would know that's quite an accomplishment.

For years I have been obsessed with my single status - -obsess to end it that is. And for years, I let that affect my life. My disposition was always that of a hopeless romantic frustrated at the fact and sad truth that love does not come as easily as I would have expected. I was always in a foul mood. And the saddest thing about it is that I blamed myself for the lack of true love prospects. It was quite ironic that I was beginning to hate myself for not finding love.

But as I turned 30, I had an epiphany. And my realization did not involve a big production number. Not at all. I just woke up thinking that I was tired of hating myself for not being able to consummate my romantic fantasies with the unavailable men I was all enamored with. It took me 8 years to finally wake up - -figuratively.
Although I realized how much time I’ve wasted, I’m still thankful that my realization came at all. I could have been Rip Van Winkle, and that 8 years of ignorant and self-hating slumber could have extended to a hundred years. Now that would have been tragic. So now I am just making up for lost time. In fact when I turned 30 I declared boldly that this year is going to be my year. Everything I want in my life, everything that I want to change for the better I will make it happen.

So everyday I remind myself of the things that make me lovable. A relapse into self-pity was not an option. And it's not difficult, when I’m constantly surrounded by friends and family who never fail to remind me what a great person I am and that my self-pity and self hate was really all just bullshit. If you think I’m happy with this change of perspective and attitude, wait 'til you meet my friends who I have made my sounding board and punching bag all these years.

So when I updated my status, it was also partly because I realized that the year is about to end, and true to what I declared it was indeed my year. A lot of the things I wanted to happen did...except for love. And when I wrote that status update I realized it was ok. It did not even bring me down. And it was such a relief. My fear when I made that declaration was that if I did not get everything I wanted, I would suffer a major relapse. But I didn't. Could it be that I am finally and absolutely cured of my self-loathing?

After updating my status, someone sent me a private message asking "Why are you still single?" And it brought back memories...because that wasn't the first time I was asked that question. And in the past, I would have answered "Because I’m not good-looking, or because I’m short, or because I don't have a good body, or because no one wanted me." Whatever my answer would have been, for sure it was an answer that was self-deprecating.
But today, when I was asked the same question, the answer that popped into my head first was that "I don't know. I guess there are just too many blind people out there." And it's true. Some people can't recognize a good thing even if it hit them on the face. And it's so liberating to know that's not by any means my fault. There's nothing wrong with me. And I guess I have to make up for making myself feel that way all those years.
So to the guys who missed their chance when they said I wasn’t the one for them, what else can I say but “Awwwww, kawawa ka naman.”
In the meantime, tuloy ang buhay single.