I want some Ice Cream!!

OMG. I. Want. Ice. Cream.
I feel hot.

Limbo

I've been feeling frustrated recently because i haven't been able to update this blog as frequently as i want to. The truth is, i don't know what to write about.
So many thoughts are going through my head, so many things happening at the same time, i don't know where to begin. I have to get my focus back.

I may be frustrated, but i'm not ready to give up on this blog just yet.
I just have to keep still for a bit, find my balance, retrieve my focus,
and re-discover the things i'm really passionate about. I'm sure, once i do, the writing will come easily.

In the meantime, i would like to wish everyone "Happy Holidays!" :-D

Xtri 2009

Like A Virgin

As a single gay man, i have all the reasons in the world to hook up - -whether for a quick sexual tryst, or for what my friends have jokingly called "wagas na pag-ibig"(everlasting love). If only it were that easy. Because the fact of the matter is, hooking up does not come easily for everyone. For some reason, there are certain single people who are just naturally blessed with good hooking up karma. They can get whoever they want, when they want it without too much effort. And truthfully, i envy those single men who have that kind of good "fortune". I have always found it difficult to hook up. I've tried but for the life of me i really just don't know how to flirt. People have said that confidence is a key ingredient for a successful hook-up, but based on experience no matter how confident i feel i just don't get the guys i want. I've failed so many times, i just stopped trying. So now, unlike most of my fellow gay men out there, i am sexually inactive. At least HIV and other STDs are somethings i don't have to worry about (hey, you've got to see the good side of even the most humiliating thing.)But you know what, I made it through the wilderness, somehow i made throughuhu...." Hmmmm, i wonder if the Pink Sisters are accepting new members? Might as well be celibate for a reason.

Dress You Up In My LOve

I just luuuurve dressing up in costumes.
Give me a reason to don one and i will. See for yourself. :-D

Vintage Crush

Sal Mineo
James Dean's co-star in "Rebel Without A Cause"
and one of the stars in 1965's Who Killed Teddy Bear?

Arriving home after a rehearsal on February 12, 1976, Mineo was stabbed to death in the alley behind his West Hollywood apartment building. He was stabbed just once, not repeatedly as first reported, but the blade struck his heart, leading to immediate and massive internal bleeding.

According to Warren Johansson and William A. Percy's Outing: Shattering the Conspiracy of Silence, he was murdered under circumstances that suggested "a homosexual motive." Mineo identified himself as bisexual in a 1972 interview,[3] published after his death, but his biography notes that he dated men exclusively in the last years of his life.

He was so talented and was such a hottie. Rest In Peace Sal.

Single Minded

Out of a whim, I updated my Facebook status and wrote -"Single and not looking." With a follow up statement which says "I'm single. Not desperate.” I just thought kasi that it has been a while since I actually referred to or talked about my singlehood. And if you're one of those people closest to me, you would know that's quite an accomplishment.

For years I have been obsessed with my single status - -obsess to end it that is. And for years, I let that affect my life. My disposition was always that of a hopeless romantic frustrated at the fact and sad truth that love does not come as easily as I would have expected. I was always in a foul mood. And the saddest thing about it is that I blamed myself for the lack of true love prospects. It was quite ironic that I was beginning to hate myself for not finding love.

But as I turned 30, I had an epiphany. And my realization did not involve a big production number. Not at all. I just woke up thinking that I was tired of hating myself for not being able to consummate my romantic fantasies with the unavailable men I was all enamored with. It took me 8 years to finally wake up - -figuratively.
Although I realized how much time I’ve wasted, I’m still thankful that my realization came at all. I could have been Rip Van Winkle, and that 8 years of ignorant and self-hating slumber could have extended to a hundred years. Now that would have been tragic. So now I am just making up for lost time. In fact when I turned 30 I declared boldly that this year is going to be my year. Everything I want in my life, everything that I want to change for the better I will make it happen.

So everyday I remind myself of the things that make me lovable. A relapse into self-pity was not an option. And it's not difficult, when I’m constantly surrounded by friends and family who never fail to remind me what a great person I am and that my self-pity and self hate was really all just bullshit. If you think I’m happy with this change of perspective and attitude, wait 'til you meet my friends who I have made my sounding board and punching bag all these years.

So when I updated my status, it was also partly because I realized that the year is about to end, and true to what I declared it was indeed my year. A lot of the things I wanted to happen did...except for love. And when I wrote that status update I realized it was ok. It did not even bring me down. And it was such a relief. My fear when I made that declaration was that if I did not get everything I wanted, I would suffer a major relapse. But I didn't. Could it be that I am finally and absolutely cured of my self-loathing?

After updating my status, someone sent me a private message asking "Why are you still single?" And it brought back memories...because that wasn't the first time I was asked that question. And in the past, I would have answered "Because I’m not good-looking, or because I’m short, or because I don't have a good body, or because no one wanted me." Whatever my answer would have been, for sure it was an answer that was self-deprecating.
But today, when I was asked the same question, the answer that popped into my head first was that "I don't know. I guess there are just too many blind people out there." And it's true. Some people can't recognize a good thing even if it hit them on the face. And it's so liberating to know that's not by any means my fault. There's nothing wrong with me. And I guess I have to make up for making myself feel that way all those years.
So to the guys who missed their chance when they said I wasn’t the one for them, what else can I say but “Awwwww, kawawa ka naman.”
In the meantime, tuloy ang buhay single.